Unemployed Losers Who’ve Never Worked a Day in Their Lives Fuel Mamdani to Historic Victory

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a surprising upset, socialist Zohran Mamdani won the Democratic primary for Mayor on Tuesday.

According to polls, Mamdani’s victory is thanks to the hundreds of thousands of unemployed losers who, with nothing better to do, showed up in droves to support his agenda of getting free stuff and sending every NYC cop to the guillotine.

“This is so amazing!” 21-year-old NYU Interpretive Dance major Jenna Ritson said after the historic victory. “I’ve never had a real job, but now I don’t have to because Zohran is going to make everything free! Finally, our city will become the shining example of a socialist utopia like Karl Marx intended.”

Like Ritson, many fellow supporters who emerged from their parents’ basements, communes, and public health clinics lined up at polling stations across the city, eager to receive free public transportation, free housing, and free childcare without any understanding of how a basic economy works.

“Simply existing in Donald Trump’s fascist hellhole is a full-time job,” 25-year-old professional graffiti artist Omar Nazwadi told The Gas Lamp. “Now that Mamdani is going to make everything free, I can focus all my efforts on getting high and meditating away all the stress his dumb orange face gives me.”

At press time, Mamdani supporters at a Brooklyn ‘Eat the Rich’ rally collectively short-circuited when they realized how much money campaign heroes like Bernie Sanders, AOC, Kal Penn, and Ella Emhoff were worth.