‘What Was Life Like In The Stone Age?’ Surges On Google Search After TikTok Ban

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - After the Supreme Court voted to uphold a nationwide ban on TikTok, millions of Millennial and Gen Z Americans are panicking over how they’ll live their lives without access to an endless stream of meaningless, fifteen-second videos they can watch for hours a day.

According to Google, search results for ‘What was life like in the stone age?’ have surged over the past few days as avid TikTok users try to figure out if they need to take precautions like learning how to forge tools, start fires, and hunt and gather to stay busy. 

“Like, what do they expect us to do,” microinfluencer Johnny_blazin182 said. “Go out in the wilderness and fight wild animals for food? The other day I saw a video of a monkey stealing a sandwich from a guy on a train. Is that what’s going to happen to me now that I have to go outside?!”

While many are worried about the return to a pre-civilized time, other more reasonable young Americans are concerned that the TikTok ban will impact their social lives. 

“What will I talk to my friends about every day? How will I learn new recipes? How will I find out which Pokemon cards are worth a lot of money? And how will I learn what dance trends are popping that week? If I can’t record dances in my school hallway for clout, people might finally realize I have no identity. Now I know how dehumanized the slaves felt!” a 16-year-old Illinois high school student lamented. 

At press time, leading anthropologists reported a mass migration of men and women ages 18 to 25 from their couches to the large shelves containing “lots of pages of words” - commonly known as books - in their parents’ basements.