Squirrel-On-Cop Violence Reaches All Time High

OKALOOSA, FL - After a bizarre incident on Friday in which a local sheriff’s deputy opened fire after an acorn fell on his squad car, law enforcement officers around the country are taking extra precaution against the surge of violent squirrel attacks in recent months. 

According to FBI statistics, squirrel-on-cop violence is up 385% since February 2023 - with police departments across the country reporting record number of drive-by's, stolen cop cars, and assaults from the furry rodents. While there have thankfully been few officer homicides at the hands of squirrels, the increase of attacks is proving exceptionally challenging due to their quickness and evasiveness.

Despite heavy ridicule and criticism on the internet, Okaloosa Sheriff Randy Ortiz defended his deputy for firing back, saying, “I know how crazy it looks from the body cam footage, but most people don’t realize how dangerous a seemingly quiet, calm community can be. These aren’t the cute, cuddly squirrels you’re used to seeing hoard acorns or steal food from trash cans. These are well-organized, roving gangs of squirrels who are capable of inflicting a great amount of damage and being able to quickly scurry away - making them nearly impossible to catch.”

In response to these threats, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has wasted no time in ensuring that officers have the tools, resources, and support they need to defend themselves against squirrels. “I’m proud to announce today that I signed the ‘Rodent Roadblock Act’,” the governor said. “Not only does this legislation provide a historically high level of funding for our men and women in blue, but also heightens the punishment for a handful of squirrel-related crimes from misdemeanors to felonies.”

At press time, a group of bandana-wearing squirrels were seen tagging ‘All Cops Are Bastards’ on a local park bench.