Punxsutawney Phil Sees Six More Weeks Of Winter And 1,000 More Years Of Jihad In The Middle East

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - On the 137th annual Groundhog’s Day, Punxsutawney Phil peaked out of his hole and saw his shadow signifying six more weeks of winter. 

But unlike most years, Phil the Groundhog stood paralyzingly still, staring at the sky for nearly 20 minutes as if he was experiencing a horrific PTSD episode.

After the ceremony, an animal psychic confirmed that Phil’s odd behavior was caused by a traumatic vision of 1,000 more years of violent jihad in the Middle East. Even more disturbing is that Phil’s vision comes just weeks after Israel and Palestine agreed to a historic ceasefire.

According to Punxsutawney Phil’s prophecy, war in the Holy Land will break out again in just a few months and start a massive, region-wide conflict that won’t end until 3,025. 

“What Phil saw was truly medieval,” the pet psychic said. “Israel versus Palestine, Egypt versus Saudi Arabia, Oman versus Lebanon. Phil saw things I never thought could happen. For example, in a few years, ISIS is going to come back in the form of Super ISIS and succeed in reviving the Islamic Caliphate. Then in about 100 years, Saddam’s great-great-grandson will fulfill the family’s destiny and lead Iraq on a rampage throughout the region - this time with weapons of mass destruction. The scariest possibility is that Benjamin Netanyahu will still be alive in 600 years after conning the U.S. government into giving him the first anti-aging serum to help him ‘defend Israel’.”

At press time, the House Armed Services Committee subpoenaed Punxsutawney Phil to testify in front of Congress and explain how he figured out the U.S. government’s exact plan to keep control over the region through the next millennium.