Olympics Adds Mental Gymnastics To Summer Games

PARIS, FRANCE - On Sunday, the International Olympic Committee announced its plan to add a new event to this summer's games - Mental Gymnastics. 

The game will consist of three rounds in which participants have to correctly guess the ethnicity, gender, and preferred pronouns of three unique, randomly selected individuals. Points are then awarded on a progressively weighted scale based on how accurate a participant’s guess is and how quickly they submit their answers. 

While the top three finishers will respectively receive gold, silver, and bronze medals, participants in Mental Gymnastics have an extra incentive to perform well as it will be the first event in Olympics history to punish the bottom three finishers. The three participants who finish with the lowest combined score across the three rounds will be immediately jailed by their home countries for committing hate crimes on the grounds of misgendering, misidentifying, and racism. 

Despite the ICC’s attempt to promote diversity, equity, and inclusion through this new event, all the participants who qualified for Mental Gymnastics at this year's games are from the United States, Canada, and England - as team representatives from most non-western nations said that they simply couldn't understand what the point of the event was or how it worked. 

At press time, a representative from the ICC said the committee was considering other measures to promote diversity and social justice like replacing the opening ceremony with a giant interracial orgy between the athletes and fining athletes for thanking God in their post-victory celebrations.