Comey Blames Sally for Selling Him Death Threat Seashells by the Seashore
NEW YORK, NY - Republicans went into a frenzy Thursday afternoon when an image posted by former FBI Director James Comey, depicting seashells arranged to say “86 47,” went viral – a statement they claim was a call to assassinate President Trump.
Though Comey quickly deleted the post and claimed that he opposed any kind of political violence, he has since tried to defend himself by blaming Sally, a local 12-year-old girl who sold him the “death threat” seashells by the seashore.
“I saw this cute little girl standing by the boardwalk asking people if they wanted to buy her seashells,” Comey said on MSNBC Friday morning. “So I asked her, ‘How much for your seashells?’ She said, ‘Fifty cents, mister!’ She was so excited to sell me her seashells. As I carried on, she yelled back at me, ‘Tell all your friends, Sally has the shiniest seashells on the seashore!’ It was so sweet. A few blocks away, when I was clearly out of her sight, I tossed the seashells back in the sand. And that’s when it happened. Somehow, the seashells perfectly formed the numbers ‘86 47.’ I didn’t know what that meant, but it was super strange.”
In response, Sally denied Comey’s blame and argued that this is just another attempt to scapegoat her.
“That’s a load of bullshit,” Sally told The Gas Lamp while taking a long drag of a cigarette. “I didn’t put those seashells in that order or cast any sort of wacky spell on them. I just sell the seashells; what you do with ‘em after is none of my business. You know, they try to get me all the time, saying things like, ‘Sally, we found your seashells at the scene of a crime. Care to explain?’ I’m like, I’m not the problem, officers! One time, they even tried to connect me to the Boston bombing. Can you believe that? They said they found a piece of clamshell that could only be found at my section of the beach in the pressure cookers. Did I sell shells to the Tsarnaev brothers? Yeah. But I didn’t know they were gonna use them to blow people up. I’m just trying to make a living here.”
At publishing time, Comey offered an alternate theory that the seashells were arranged by a group of Antifa seagulls.