Close Call: Senate Gets Distracted By House Republicans’ Sexual Assault Allegations And Forgets About Pete Hegseth’s Sexual Assault Allegations

WASHINGTON D.C. - In what was a huge relief to Pete Hegseth, the Senate briefly forgot about the sexual assault allegations that swirled around him throughout his confirmation hearing after learning about new allegations that Republican House members sent sexually explicit texts to former White House Aide, Cassidy Hutchinson.  

Thanks to the Senate's confusion, Hegseth was confirmed as Department of Defense Secretary late Friday evening, despite new allegations from his former sister-in-law surfacing just days before the vote. 

“I’m so thankful for this incredible opportunity to serve my country again,” Hegseth said. “But at the same time, I’m absolutely disgusted by what happened to Ms. Hutchinson. Threatening someone for sexual favors is absolutely sick. I mean who would do such a thing? Not me, I’ll tell you that. But definitely, definitely someone else.”

When asked about Hegseth’s allegations, Senate Majority Leader John Thune said, “We absolutely can’t have these kinds of people serving our nation at the highest level. I’m talking about Republican members in the House of course. What allegations are you talking about?”

The rest of the Senate seemed to share Thune’s confusion as they reported having a vague memory of conversations about someone’s sexual assault allegations earlier in the week but couldn’t remember who it was. Of course, it was Hegseth’s allegations they were thinking of but didn’t really care about since it was three news cycles ago. 

At press time, the allegations surrounding House Republicans were completely forgotten about as new allegations of sexual impropriety from members of the Biden administration came to light, making the flurry of other allegations completely obsolete.