Trump Visits Amigo Bail Bonds In Desperate, Last Ditch Effort To Raise Money For Civil Fraud Penalty

BROOKLYN, NY - After failing to find an insurance agency that will pay his $464 million dollar civil fraud penalty, President Trump made a last-ditch effort to clear his legal debts by visiting Amigo Bail Bonds on Monday. 

“Let me in! Por favor!” the former president was heard yelling as he banged on the front door. “I need money. Di-ne-ro. You comprende? I have two free taco bowls in my trunk for you. Let me innnnn!”

Despite his pleas, the shop refused to let the 45th president in. “President Trump is not welcome in Amigo Bail Bonds,” owner Eduardo Sanchez told a reporter. “Growing up in Mexico, we all loved and looked up to Mr. Donald. Great, rich American man. But when we came here, we all found out that he was a pendejo. A few years ago I was a valet at a restaurant and every time he came, he tipped me with Monopoly money. What he think? We don’t have Monopoly in Mexico? My front desk lady, Juliana. She was a maid at the Trump hotel for 10 years. Cleaned Mr. Donald’s room every time he was in town. How he thank her? By giving her a fake food stamps card. He kept hundreds in his wallet. We work hard for our money. We no work for food stamps.” 

Later that afternoon, Trump delivered a wholeheartedly different account of the story at a campaign rally. “Thanks to Biden-flation, nobody has any money,” he said to a packed crowd. “I went to a place in New York, a place I’ve known very well for years, to try to end this witch hunt. They welcomed me with open arms but said, ‘sorry ese, we don’t have any money, we can’t help you.’ And I thought wow that’s sad. Good, hard working people can’t even help me like they used to thanks to sleepy Joe. What a shame.”

At press time, a poorly disguised Trump was seen selling hotdogs from a street cart on Broadway.