SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Before being sworn in as the 46th mayor of San Francisco, Daniel Lurie gave a passionate speech to constituents and supporters on Sunday in which he promised not to let Trump “erode San Francisco’s culture” by cracking down on the city’s massive drug-addicted, homeless population.

“I love this town. We’re rich with technology, gorgeous views, and a down-to-earth, free-spirited culture that towns all across the world seek to emulate. But President Trump wants to take that way. He wants to turn this country into a soulless ethnostate where everyone looks, walks, and talks like him. Well, Mr. President, that’s not what the United States of America stands for. And I promise I will not let Trump “clean up our streets” or stop people from exercising their right to live freely because he doesn’t like how we look or how we smell,” Lurie said. 

As Lurie continued on, a swift upward gust of wind blowing the putrid smell of San Francisco’s “free-spirited” homeless community forced the crowd to scamper back to their cars - many of which had been vandalized in the thirty minutes they were left unattended. 

Despite many attempts, none of the street alley residents who were just shooting up for the first time Sunday morning could comment on their thoughts about the possibility of Trump cracking down on their unique and independent lifestyle. 

At press time, Mayor-elect Lurie announced that as part of his effort to stop Trump’s “dangerous agenda”, his first act would be tearing down a row of 200-year-old houses in the city’s historic district to make more room for homeless drug addicts.