CEDAR RAPIDS, IA - On Monday, Republican presidential hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy announced new plans to cut the size of the federal government by forcing every government employee to take a mandatory blood test to prove whether or not they’re a lizard. 

“If you work in the FBI, the CIA, or any one of the bloated three-letter agencies and your blood is red, you have nothing to worry about. But if your blood is green, blue, purple or any other weird color, we’re coming for you,” Ramaswamy said to a roaring crowd of caucus-goers. “For too long, this country has been run by these shape-shifting, blood-thirsty lizard people who want to send your children to die in foreign wars and make you eat bugs. Well just because they like to eat bugs doesn’t mean the rest of us do. And when I’m elected president, I’m going to find them, turn off the lights to their terrarium, and send them scurrying away into the crevices of Washington D.C.”

After his rally, some attendees said that they saw Alex Jones’ face peaking through the curtain, smiling as Vivek walked off stage.