CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - With more and more reported UFO sightings, NASA is preparing to get aliens back for all the times they’ve probed human beings by putting together an A-team of America’s most notorious sexual predators – including Kevin Spacey, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, and Harvey Weinstein. 

“For years, we laughed at the folks who claimed they were abducted and sexually probed by aliens,” NASA Administrator Bill Nelson said. “But now that it seems aliens are real, we’re taking those rumors seriously. So, we’re taking some of our nation’s finest diddlers and training them to probe aliens back. ‘Training’ is really an overstatement since they really don’t need training in sexual assault. But the hard part is getting these guys up to speed on the anatomy of aliens and trying to understand the emotional complexities of these extra-terrestrial beings to cause maximum physical and emotional trauma.”

“Our goal is to degrade and humiliate these aliens as much as possible without killing them, then send them back to their home planet in the hopes that they’ll warn the rest of their species not to mess with Earth,” said Senior Strategist John Thompson. “We feel it’s a better counter-defense strategy than instigating multi-planetary war. It’s highly likely that our weapons technology is inferior to whatever the aliens might have. But if there’s one thing we’re confident in is our psychological warfare capabilities.” 

At press time, Spacey, Cosby, Clinton, and Weinstein were seen walking out of NASA’s headquarters with more vigor and enthusiasm than they’ve had in decades.