TUSCALOOSA, AL - Newly inducted Delta Chi brother Brock Johnson vowed to abstain from sexually assaulting girls at parties throughout the month of March in honor of Women’s History Month. 

“It’s been tough,” Brock admitted. “Just the other night, I walked into a room at the house and there was this smokin’ hot chick passed out. That’s why I have this black eye - I had to punch myself in the face to stop myself from jumping on that ass. But it’s the least I can do for the empowerment of women. We all have to do our part.”

Upon hearing about Brock’s pledge, fellow brothers and friends were extremely concerned about his well-being - worrying that he had contracted a fatal illness or suffered a death in the family. That was until Brock reassured everyone that he had simply been enlightened about the power of feminism in his Calculus 101 thanks to a new school policy that mandated STEM related courses spend the first six weeks of the semester teaching the university’s DEI principles. 

As a further gesture of his commitment to treating women with more respect, Mr. Johnson also vowed to only call women “bitches” instead of “hoes”, only sending dick pics to girls after they sent a nude picture first, and to wearing sunglasses in public at all times to stare at women's breasts without offending them. 

At press time, Mr. Johnson refused to specify if he planned to keep his commitment past Women’s History Month - seeming to suggest that he would return to taking advantage of drunk girls in April.