California Reparations Task Force Proposes Plan To Simply Enslave White People
SACRAMENTO, CA - After months of back-and-forth debate, the California Reparations Task Force finally settled on a “fair” and “equitable” plan to right the centuries-long systemic oppression of African Americans by simply enslaving white people.
“After a lot of deliberation, we’ve decided that no amount of money will compensate for the millions – even billions – of dollars worth of time and value that were stolen from us by the white man,” said Chairperson Kamilah Moore. “California has approximately 43 million acres of farmland. It only makes sense that we seize that land, build plantations, round up all the white people, and force them to harvest crops all day. See how they like it.”
When asked how the Task Force would determine the selection process and factor in white immigrants or descendants of immigrants not living in America at the time of slavery, Moore said, “It do not matter. I don’t care if they came over on the Mayflower or Air Italy last week. I’m sure one of they relatives were responsible for making brothas fight lions and tigers and bears in the Colosseum. We didn’t ask to be taken from our homeland, and they’re going to know what that feels like.”
“Some, of course, will get a pass,” said Member Jovan Lewis. “Gavin Newsome, Eminem, Mike Trout, Nancy Pelosi. We’re still in the middle of finalizing that list. Roberts Downeys Jrs., for example, remains a point of contention amongst the committee. I personally think his character in ‘Tropic Thunder’ was a powerful portrayal of the struggle African Americans have faced for decades. Others, however, feel that his role as billionaire weapons manufacturer, Tony Starks, personifies the oppression our people have experienced for so long. I’ll tell you this though, the Kardashians are going to be at the very top of the slavery list – I don’t care how many black dicks they’ve sucked.”
At press time, many of the committee members were seen frustratingly pacing outside of city hall for hours while they waited for a black Uber driver.