WASHINGTON, D.C. - On Tuesday, President Biden agreed to two debates with former President Trump - but only if Trump is ball-gagged and tied to a pole.

“This is the only way to make the debate fair,” said Biden campaign manager Julie Chavez Rodriguez. “It has nothing to do with Joe’s mental competency - which is impeccable and shouldn’t even be questioned. It’s important that Trump is tied to a pole in the off chance that he becomes rabid and suddenly attacks President Biden. And the ball gag? That’s so the American people don’t hear any mistruths they’re not supposed to hear. At least we’re letting them get to see Trump on the debate stage!”

When asked about the unusual debate terms outside the New York courtroom, Trump seemed unfazed saying, “I don’t need to speak. Joe talking to himself for an hour is all I need to show how much of a dummy he is.”

The first debate, which will be hosted by CNN on June 27, will even have a question line on Trump’s side of the stage - but rather than giving attendees the opportunity to ask questions, they’ll be offered complementary tomatoes to throw at the 45th President. During the second debate, hosted by ABC on September 10, attendees will have the opportunity to scream profanities at Trump for two full minutes in lieu of an opening statement. 

At press time, Hunter Biden was seen offering his dad a crusty ball-gag from his personal collection to lend President Trump as a gesture of goodwill.