BREAKING: Philadelphia Experiences Rare Night of Peace With Only 15 Murders ~ Trump Resumes Rending Weapons to Ukraine with Shipment of Super Soakers ~ Brittney Griner Shares Grueling Story of How She Was Only Female Prisoner Putin Didn’t Want to Have Sex With ~ Female Robot Confidently Claims It Can Fix Him ~ Trump Pulls U.S Slutty European Coalition Too Late, Stuck In Expensive 18 Year Commitment ~ Chuck E. Cheese’s New Adult Arcade Just As Filthy and Disease-Ridden as Children’s Arcades ~ Wimbledon Player Defiantly Wears Cream White Instead of Eggshell White, Shocks Fans ~ Lee Greenwood Angers Fans With New Song That Doesn’t Mention America ~